A pound is a gain.

This entry started out about failure. I spent this morning writing heavy words. But it tired me. I found myself feeling the weight of negativity attaching to me. But what good does all of this do if I write about failure? What good does it do for someone reading this to read about the negative possibilities of effort? So the question becomes: How will I handle a set back?   I have spent the majority of my life feeling defeated by my own choices, my image, my losses followed by gains.   So when I decided to weigh myself this morning, I already knew what to expect. But I had to do it. I need to check in on myself to hold myself accountable, not to crucify.  This is part of my new reality. It’s about living the best way I know how and it’s about facing my choices, especially if I’m not doing all I can to be my best.  After the holidays I knew I consumed more than my body was used to and I knew the foods were fattier, “carbier,” heavier. So in 1 month I have not lost any weight and I gained a pound. Ouch. That hurt. No, it really does hurt to acknowledge this. But I will not deny how or when. Even with a small stomach these past few weeks have not been my best.  This, of course, is not about crying over a pound. I am definitely angry. I am a bit worried and my anxiety is growing. I may even cry at some point. This is where destructive thoughts used to begin. It’s what I was good at controlling. The self-harm, the self-deprecation, the starvation. I have been terrified of this moment. It’s the weight of 20+ years holding me down, sitting on my chest. But in a matter of a few hours since this morning, looking at the faces of my students and assessing the magnitude of 1 pound and I’ve shifted my thinking. I learned about this shift in graduate school—it’s called ‘metanoia’ and it’s hard stuff. It’s like lifting weights or going to the gym and like working out it involves the mind’s convincing of itself. It involves pushing past 1 pound and seeing all that has been gained. (And the gain outweighs a momentary loss of confidence…lots of word play there. lol)  My advice is this: my choice to change was just that—a choice to change.  We are constantly changing so we have continuous opportunities to choose what is best. It has always been up to me, in me, about me.